Paranoid Thoughts You Have When You Think You’re Getting a Cold


1. Wait, was that a sneeze?

2. Who is sneezing in my vicinity?


3. Ugh Deborah… She’s always the first to start these plagues off at work.

4. It’s like we’re a daycare or something, one person gets sick and the whole place goes down.

5. I’m definitely next. I’m always next.

6. Which is fitting since I’m the busiest person around here with the least available down time to be sick.

7. Okay let’s think positively.

8. Does that actually work, though?

9. Maybe someone has some vitamin C around here.

10. Except I’ve also read that it doesn’t actually work.

11. Whatever, they’re just claiming that to create a compelling headline.

12. Or trick people into getting sick and spending more on healthcare.

13. My copay is out of control, I am not getting sick.

14. I don’t even have time to get all the work done that I need to as it is.

15. And I have 13 holiday parties coming up next week, I need to be in top form.

16. Wait, doesn’t alcohol kill germs?

17. Maybe I’ll pick up a bottle of wine on my way home.

18. And some cheese.

19. I think I feel a tickle in my throat.

20. Maybe I should get some soup.

21. What I really want is my mom’s soup, though.

22. How do moms make such good soup out of ordinary cans of soup?

23. Being sick is almost bearable when you’re at home with someone to take care of you.

24. Adulting is hard.

25. Although I could sort of use the downtime to catch up on my Netflix queue.

26. I need to catch up on Stranger Things before everyone spoils it for me.

27. Yeah, that sounds okay.

28. But only if I’m like half sick and not like barfing sick.

29. Cozy sick, maybe.

30. Do I get paid sick days?

31. If I don’t, I need to find a new job.

32. Maybe I need to find a new job anyway.

33. One where sick people aren’t always sneezing on me.

34. Maybe I can job hunt while I’m home sick.

35. Wait, what am I talking about? I have a date this weekend, I can’t be sick.

36. But that would also be a really good way to get out of it.

37. That is such a weird thought.

38. Maybe I could convince a Tinder swipe to bring me some soup.

39. Lol.

40. No, but seriously, I do not want to be sick.

41. How many times a year is it normal to be sick?

42. I can’t remember if I’ve already been sick like twice or not at all.

43. Times flies.

44. Geez, am I getting old?

45. Side eye.

46. I’m not going to get sick, I drink so many juices.

47. That’s why I’m drinking juices to begin with, right?

48. Better be, because they’re not that tasty.

49. Let me check online for the latest cold prevention.

50. Where am I going to work ginger into my diet?

51. What was wrong with vitamin C, can’t we just stick with that?

52. I like the chewable ones.

53. But I am anĀ adult.

54. I should take some pain killers just in case I’m getting sick.

55. Does this mean I should go to the gym, or not?

56. Sweating might be good.

57. But on the other hand I don’t want to wear myself out.

58. *Sneeze*

59. Oh God, it’s definitely happening.